I’d like to apologize for my break in blogging for the past few months. Being a full time mother to an infant and toddler is one of the most difficult jobs I’ve ever had!
During my maternity leave, I was fortunate enough to fly the girls home to South Carolina for five weeks. Thanks to my wonderful parents, we had the best summer filled with sunshine and swimming. After so much time away from work (a blissful 6 months of partially paid maternity leave in Ireland), I found myself becoming anxious about returning part-time to the clinic. Would the baby settle in daycare/creche? Would I be able to sustain my milk supply as I’m still almost exclusively breastfeeding? Would I be able to juggle work and motherhood and still be good at my job?
Being with the girls all day is like an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I feel about to burst with love for them, and other times, when the baby is howling for a diaper change and my toddler is smearing porridge all over the walls while laughing maniacally, I feel like throwing the two of them out the window and pouring myself a large glass of wine.
And then of course, after I’ve yelled at the toddler, caused her to have a meltdown and then further neglected to change the baby, I feel really guilty. Shouldn’t handing them over for a few hours be good for all of us? Yes, a healthy little break seems logically. But guilt overcomes me once again; shouldn’t it be me taking care of my children? Oh, will the mommy guilt never end?
Motherhood just seems like an unending cycle of guilt, especially now that I’ve thrown in the extra large ball of work to juggle. In my house, as in the majority of family households, mom (me) is the main caregiver to her children. This includes primarily keeping them alive (more difficult then one might think), cultivating their growth into emotionally stable non-psychopathic humans, all the while preparing meals, keeping a relatively clean house (well, as clean as humanly possible with 2 children, 3 cats, 2 chickens, a dog, and Husband), and going to work and dropping/picking up the kids from daycare. I mean, talk about a lot of pressure, right?
Don’t get me wrong, Husband is wonderful and helps me as much as he can, but sometimes he leaves for work before the kids are awake and is home after they are in bed.
As the main caregiver to her children, the stress that most moms experience while trying to maintain a career and a healthy relationship with her partner and children is largely taken for granted.
This blog was mainly a means of catharsis for me, allowing me to vent about my current situation and stress levels. But to all you moms out there, just know you aren’t the only ringleader trying to wrangle this crazy circus act called motherhood…there are a lot of us!